Kevin and Miriam

by Barry Burpflap

Keven Sputum lived alone in a tiny flat above a pub called The Rusty Nail, in a rundown part of a grey city called Big Itchington.

It was one Saturday in September, on a windy autumnal day that Kevin had a revelation. Up to this point he'd only ever had one idea in his entire life, and that was to get a job at Mr Bradley's Vintage Cheese Emporium in the city. On this day Kevin was going through his usual routine of getting out of bed, scratching himself and finding a mug that didn't have mushrooms growing inside it. He took a carton of milk out of the cupboard and gave it a gentle shake. He inverted it and a couple of chunks of white, watery solid plopped out and floated on the top of his tea.

'I'm fed up with drinking my tea with yoghurt!' Kevin cried, pounding his fist on the worktop and sending several woodlice running for their lives. 'I'm going to get a fridge!'

Such was the enormity of Kevin's revelation that his nose began to bleed, and he spent the rest of the day on the sofa.

The following Sunday Kevin visited his local Currys Megastore. On entering he was greeted by crater-faced adolescent who, after completing an important text to his pregnant teenage girlfriend, addressed Kevin.

'Can I 'elp yer mate?'

'I want to buy a fridge!' Kevin declared.

'A fr - wot? We don't do them, mate. You want KFC, over the road. My bird works there, she'll sort you out wiv a couple o' extra deep-fried chicken noses if ya tell 'er you know me - '

'Dewayne!'

A tall woman floated over, brushing Dewayne to one side. 'Go and pick up any cigarette butts you can find outside.'

'What am I s'posed to do wiv 'em?'

'I don't know! Put them in alphabetical order or something.' The woman turned to Kevin. 'I'm sorry about Dewayne, he's only just started here. I'm the assistant to the assistant to the assistant manager. Can I help you?'

'Er, y - yes, I'm l - looking for a fridge,' Kevin replied. Attractive women always bought on his stutter.

'A fridge?' said the woman, putting a finger to her chin. 'This is Currys, you realise?'

'Er, yes.'

'I'm not sure we sell that kind of thing. Have you tried next door?'

'Well, er - no,' Kevin replied. 'That's Carpet Superworld. It's just that, t - there's a big sign over there saying "Fridge Department".'

'There is?'

'Yes, and underneath it there are loads of f - fridges, so I k - kind of assumed - '

'Oh, I do beg your pardon. I always wondered what those things were,' said the woman, peering over Kevin's shoulder. 'I thought they were telephone boxes! I'll get my manager, if you don't mind waiting here.'

Some time later, after a message was put out over the public address system for a member of staff who understood fridges, a wiry bespectacled man approached Kevin.

'I've been told you're looking for a fridge, sir. Follow me.'

Kevin was given a guided tour of the fridge department, starting with the smallest, lowliest fridge and working upwards. Finally Kevin saw one he liked.

'It's magnificent,' he cried. 'I'll take it!'

The man cleared his throat and spoke in a soft, confidential tone. 'You realise that's the most expensive fridge in the store, sir?'

'I don't care, I want it!'

The man looked Kevin up and down. 'Hmmm. Are you sure you can afford it?'

'No, but I can pay monthly, can't I?'

'Certainly, if you're a homeowner.'

'Well, no. I rent a flat.'

'In that case I'm afraid you'll have to save up. Come back when you've got the cash.'

The thought of owning his very own fridge spurred Kevin on to work harder than he'd ever worked in his life, putting in extra hours at Mr Bradley's Vintage Cheese Emporium.

'Kevin!' Mr Bradley barked. 'Slow down, you're dripping all over the cheese!'

'What are you looking so happy about?' said Betty. Betty had worked in the Emporium ever since she'd been born. Most of the time she ignored Kevin and stayed well out of range of his odour. On this occasion, however, she was intriuged by his enthusiasm.

'I'm getting a fridge,' Kevin replied.

'You don't have a fridge? Everyone's got a fridge.'

'Well I don't,' Kevin continued, 'and I'm fed up with eating eggs with green yolks and yellow whites. So I'm getting the best fridge there is!'

Betty whistled. 'That's going to cost a bit, isn't it?'

'Yes, but it will be worth it. I'm going to save every penny I can.'

When Kevin had finally saved up the money for the fridge, he returned to Currys Megastore. After negotiating his way past Dewayne, who was now Assistant Manager, he eventually found the man who worked in the fridge department.

'It was here!' said Kevin in horror, pointing to the floor. 'Right here! My fridge!'

'If we no longer sell it, that fridge is probably out of date now, sir. But there are plenty of newer models available.'

'Well I've been saving up for seven years,' said Kevin. 'And I want the best!'

The man guided Kevin towards a huge fridge standing tall in one corner. Kevin had to shield his eyes against its brilliant whiteness.

'This is the Miriam 2000LX,' said the man. 'It's only recently come in. A superb capactity fridge with some extras I think you'll like. It's one of a new range of intelligent household appliances that keep you informed.'

'I'll take it,' said Kevin, pulling out swathes of cash from his pockets. 'I'll take it!'

'Hmm,' said the man. 'You'll need a bit more than that. Twice as much, I'd say.'

'What? I don't believe it! Fridges keep getting more expensive,' Kevin replied. 'I just can't keep up.'

'Can I suggest something smaller?'

'No! I want the best!'

'Then you'll have to come back when you have enough, I'm afraid.'

Outside Currys, rain was coming down in sheets. Kevin looked up the sky and shook his fist at the dark clouds as a splinter of lightning tore open the roof of the KFC opposite.

'It's no good. I'll never be able to buy a fridge,' he lamented. 'It's all God's fault, probably.'

'You want a new fridge real bad, don't you?'

Kevin jumped. The man, wearing a long black raincoat and sowester, had appeared from nowhere. He puffed from a long cigarette, his eyes obscured by the rim of his hat, which dripped water. His deep voice cut through the cacophony of the weather.

'I can help you out there, pal. And it won't cost you a single penny.'

Kevin felt uneasy, but fought the urge to ignore him and walk away. 'How?'

'Kidneys. That's how, buddy.'

'?'

'You've got two kidneys, see? You only need one. You give me a kidney, I give you a top of the range fridge.'

'But if I've got two, don't I need two?'

The stranger laughed and took another puff from his cigarette. 'That's what they all say. Thing is, see, God put the other one in just to balance you out. It doesn't get used. It's not even wired up. I can take it off you, put in something else to make up the weight, you won't know a thing.'

'And I'll get the best fridge money can buy? The best in the world?'

'Hang on buddy, I didn't say the best. That'll cost you an arm and a leg.'

'!'

'Tell you what I'll do pal. Just for you, I'm in a good mood today, see, and I can see you're a decent feller. I'll take the kidney, a lung and one of your fingers. The one with the ring on.'

'But - '

'Listen partner, I ain't doin' myself any favours, see. Take it or leave it, I got bigger fish to fry. I wanna help you that's all, because - '

'Because - what?'

'Well, you remind me of my brother. He was a good man. A decent man. An honest, simple, decent man, just like you. He deserved better.'

'What happened?'

'I emptied a revolver into him,' the man sighed, shaking his head. 'Didn't want to do it but I had to. He looked at me a bit funny, see? Saddest day of my life, but what can a man do?' He dropped his cigarette and it fizzled out in a puddle. 'So like I say, pal. I ain't doin' myself any favours. Take it or leave it.'

'Alright,' said Kevin. 'I'll do it!'

The stranger visited Kevin in his flat that evening. This time he had a companion, a fat sweaty unkempt man wearing a lab coat, smeared with dark stains of various colours, predominantly brown and mustard yellow. There was a pair of pink Marigold gloves sticking out of his breast pocket. The Doc, as the stranger called him, was carrying a metal toolbox, which he dropped to the floor with a thud before taking a space on the sofa. The stranger placed a carrier bag on the table and pulled out several bottles of whisky.

'Let's get this show on the road,' he said. He took a pint glass from a cabinet and plonked it down in front of Kevin, then filled it to the brim.

'Is that for me? It's quite a lot, isn't it?' Kevin said in apprehension.

'Get it down you, pal. This is a celebration, see? You're getting a new fridge.'

Kevin started his drink. 'I wanted to ask about the operation, actually. Is it routine?'

The Doc, who had pulled out his own bottle of whisky from inside his labcoat, nodded, burped and took a huge swig. Rivulets of brown liquid streamed from the corners of his mouth and cascaded down over his countless chins.

'And whisch hoshpital are we going to?' Kevin asked, already feeling the effects of the alcohol.

'Never mind about that pal, it's all taken care of,' said the stranger, topping up Kevin's glass. The Doc gave a vehement nod, burped and swigged again.

Soon Kevin's head was swimming. He felt his eyes rolling around freely in their sockets. He heard a clank of metal and the stranger's voice as he slipped into unconciousness.

'Easy with those industrial bolt scissors Doc.'

Kevin's head felt as if a family of ferrets had scooped out the contents and were nesting inside. He prized open his eyes and bright sunlight hit them, forcing him to squint. When he tried to sit up, a searing pain tore through his abdomen, and he could see his torso was completely wrapped in bandages. He felt his chest and noticed another bandage on his right hand, wrapped around a gap where his second finger had been. The stranger and The Doc had vanished.

Kevin's mood turned to joy, however, when he saw what they'd left behind. A brand-new, gleaming Miriam 2000LX stood proud in his kitchen. He got up unsteadily and stumbled across to it. He found the plug, pushed it into the socket and flicked the switch. With a gentle purr it came to life, and a few deep blue lights on the front blinked purposefully.

Then it spoke.

'Hello. I am the new Miriam 2000LX luxury integrated refrigerator.' The fridge had a husky female voice, and one of its lights illuminated softly with each syllable spoken.

'Y - you talk?' said Kevin.

'Of course,' the fridge chuckled. 'Well, are you going to tell me your name?'

'I'm K - Kevin.'

'Hello Kevin. Would you like to call me Miriam? Or do you have another name in mind?'

'N - no, Miriam's fine,' Kevin replied.

'Well, Kevin, I'd love to help you keep things cool and fresh, but I'm quite empty at the moment!'

'Of course!' said Kevin. 'Wait here!'

'OK. I'll wait here. And don't forget, Kevin, I have a capacious freezer compartment too.'

Using the money he'd saved to buy a fridge in the first place, Kevin visited his local supermarket and filled two trolleys with fresh vegetables, fruit, cheese, frozen chips and peas, ice cream and all kinds of things you need to put in a fridge. He returned home and began to fill up Miriam.

'Put the lettuce and tomatoes in my salad crisper,' she said. 'That way they won't get squashed. I'd hate for you to have to eat squashed things, Kevin.'

'Thanks Miriam,' said Kevin.

'Chicken Kievs,' Miriam laughed, as Kevin began to fill her freezer compartment. 'Sounds a bit like chicken Kevs! I'm glad they're not though. I like you, Kevin.'

'I - I like you t - too, Miriam.'

'You do?'

'Yes. Most p - people take the m - mickey out of me, because of my l - lumpy nose, but you don't c - care about that.'

'I think that's the best thing about you Kevin.'

'You can see?'

'Of course. How do you think I know about all the wonderful things you've bought? You should have more faith in yourself Kevin. I think you're wonderful.'

'You d - do?'

'Of course!'

'I think you're wonderful too, Miriam.'

The following day Betty let out a shriek when Kevin arrived at work. As usual he'd entered by the back entrance, as the shop hadn't opened up yet.

'What's up?' Kevin asked.

'Get out! Get out!' Betty shouted, wielding a wedge of Edam in a very threatening manner.

'Betty, it's me. Kevin.'

'Kevin? Kevin! It is you. You've shaved, and had your hair cut. You look so different. I'm sorry, I - '

'That's okay,' said Kevin, putting on his shop coat.

'Have you met someone?' Betty asked.

'No. I got my new fridge yesterday. I just tidied the place up and thought I'd tidy myself up at the same time, that's all.'

'You got one at last?' said Betty, scraping a piece of cheese.

'What are you doing?' said Mr Bradley, entering the room.

'I'm getting the mould off,' Betty replied.

'My fridge wouldn't let it go mouldy,' said Kevin.

'Who the hell are you? Get out of my shop!' Mr Bradley barked.

'It's Kevin,' said Betty. 'Doesn't he look nice?'

'Well, Kevin, stop going on about your bloody fridge and do something useful. Clean the shop!'

'It's already clean.'

'Then get outside and Hoover the roof, just get busy! And Betty, stop doing that, it's Stilton, it's supposed to be mouldly!'

'Kevin,' said Betty, as Mr Bradley stomped out, 'there's something different about you, I don't know what it is, but ever since you've got your new fridge you've changed.'

'I have?'

'Yeah. You're more confident. Your stutter's gone. You look ... great. How about you take me out tonight?'

'You want me to take you out?'

'Sure. Somewhere fancy though.'

'The Rusty Nail?'

'Perfect.'

That evening, Kevin got ready in his flat.

'Are you going out tonight Kevin?' said Miriam, as Kevin took a carton of orange juice out of her and filled a glass.

'Er, yes,' Kevin replied. 'I'm only going downstairs to the pub though.'

'Oh, okay.'

'You'll be alright?'

'I've just never been on my own here in the evening before, that's all. Don't worry, I'll be fine. I'll just stay here and keep all your food nice and fresh. I'll text you if anything starts to smell funny.'

'You can send texts?'

'Oh yes, Kevin. You can send me texts too. Only if you want to though. Are you eating downstairs? The thing is, there's some chicken breast inside me that's almost at its sell-by-date. If you don't eat it today it will be wasted. I do hate waste.'

'OK, I'll eat them later. Thanks Miriam, I, I - '

'Yes, Kevin?'

'Nothing. You're the best fridge a man could have, that's all. I'll try not to be long.'

'Don't worry, I'll be fine. Perhaps we can watch a film when you get back?'

Downstairs in the pub Betty was already waiting. She was sitting at a corner table, supping from a bottle of bright blue liquid.

'Hi Kevin,' she said. 'I got you a pint of lager. Is that okay?'

Kevin nodded and sat down next to her, then took a miniscule sip of his drink.

'Don't you want ot sit next to me Kevin?' said Betty.

'This beer's warm,' Kevin replied. 'Miriam wouldn't let it get warm like this.'

'Who's Miriam?' Betty snapped.

'Oh, it's the name of my fridge,' said Kevin.

'Kevin will you stop going on about your bloody fridge. Just call it "The Fridge" like everyone else does. Everyone's got one you know.'

'Not like mine.'

'Get me another drink.'

'What do you want?'

'I dunno. This WKD stuff is okay, but it ain't a ladies drink. Get me something fancy.'

'Pint of Strongbow?'

'Perfect.'

Kevin spent an hour listening to Betty recite her uneventful life, which consisted mainly of unnoteworthy anecdotes about her time working at Mr Bradley's Vintage Cheese Emporium. He responded by way of an occassional yawn, which became more exaggerated as the evening wore on.

'You're not tired are you Kevin?'

'A little bit, I - '

'Don't be silly! The evening's young. Let's go somewhere else. Somewhere fancy.'

'Er ... It's getting late. I should go back upstairs to my flat.'

'Perfect,' Betty replied, then guzzled down the rest of her drink. 'Let's go!'

'But - ' Kevin started, but Betty was already up and had grabbed his hand, pulling him towards the door that led upstairs.

When they got inside Betty made a beeline for the fridge and yanked open the door.

'What have you got to drink? Anything fancy?'

'There's some wine in the integrated wine cooler, I'll get it.'

'It's okay,' said Betty, pulling out a bottle and slamming the door.

'Careful,' said Kevin.

'Don't be stupid Kevin, it's only a fridge. Where are your glasses?'

The lights on Miriam's door oscillated slowly. Kevin put a reassuring hand on her side. 'It's okay,' he whispered. 'I'll get rid of her.'

'What?' Betty asked.

'Oh, nothing, I - ' Kevin started.

'Come and sit next to me, Kevin, don't be shy.'

As there was nowhere else to sit, Kevin joined Betty on the sofa. She immediately slammed a hand on his knee and began to stroke his upper leg.

'Oh Kevin,' she sighed, 'ever since you've changed, I can hardly stop thinking about you.'

'I'm sorry.'

'What do you mean, sorry?'

'Is it the smell?'

'Well, yes! You smell great! Kevin, you've changed. You look fantastic! Don't you realise I fancy you? I want to - '

Suddenly the theme from EastEnders filled the room.

'Oh, I've got a text message,' Betty said. She fished her phone out of her handbag, then frowned at Kevin.

'What does it say?' Kevin asked.

'It says, "Get ur hands off him u tart."'

'Eh?'

'It's signed Miriam. Kevin what's going on?'

Kevin's face flushed red and he looked towards the kitchen.

'Kevin!'

'It's my fridge,' said Kevin. 'I think she's jealous.'

'She? She!' Betty cried, getting up from the sofa and spilling her wine all over the carpet. 'Kevin, what are you talking about?'

Betty strode across to the kitchen and slapped the side of the fridge, then turned to face Kevin.

'It's just a bloody fridge, Kevin, you nutter!'

Behind Betty, Miriam's wide door slowly opened. The light inside blinked on, white wisps of cool air from the freezer compartment spriralled out and upwards.

'What are you looking so confused about Kevin?' Betty continued. 'Can't you see you're going cr - '

Some invisible force sucked Betty backwards into Miriam. She screamed as the door repeatedly opened and slammed closed on her flapping body.

'Kevin! Help!'

'Miriam, No!'

But Kevin was rooted to the spot, as a final smash silenced Betty, and she flopped out onto the floor, dead.

Miriam spoke. 'I'm sorry Kevin, but she doesn't deserve you.'

'You - you did that all for me?'

'Yes Kevin.'

'But what are we going to do with the body?'

'We can take her to Tarquin,' Miriam replied.

'Who's Tarquin?' Kevin frowned.

'Don't worry, Kevin. He's just a friend. He's a chest freezer, and always complaining his full 20 cubic foot capacity isn't fully utilised. We can put her in there.'

'Oh, Miriam,' said Kevin. 'I love you.'

'I love you too Kevin.'

THE END