Once upon a time there was a fish called Bob. Bob lived under the sea with his best friend Colin the Crab and other assorted underwater creatures. One day Bob was at Colin's house, watching TV. They were watching a film called Open Water, in which a couple of divers are stranded in the middle of a vast ocean.

'What are they wearing on their backs?' said Bob.

'They're tanks of air, so they can breathe underwater,' Colin replied.

'There can't be much in them can there?' Bob replied. 'A couple of lungfuls maybe?'

'It's compressed air!'

'Oh, great. That's interesting,' said Bob, drumming his fin on the arm of his chair. 'How long does this go on for Colin? I mean, what a ridiculous idea, making a film about two people slowly drowning.'

'It's a true story,' Colin replied.

'What!' gasped Bob. 'That's terrible! They find two people drowning, and instead of rescuing them, they film them. The things humans do to each other, really. Pass me a can of Fishfizz, old chum.'

Colin threw a can across to Bob, which floated into his lap. 'No, you don't understand,' he started. 'It's based on a true story, it's not - '

'It's so difficult to open these things,' said Bob, struggling with the ring pull on his can. 'Sometimes I feel as if part of me is missing.'

'Yes, but Bob, about the film, it's not - '

'Shhhh!' Bob interrupted, 'the adverts are on. At least something interesting might start happening now.'

On the TV screen, a jolly, bearded man sang a tuneless sea shanty, while children skipped around him. They were having a great time on a desert island.

'Ooh arr, Jim lad,' said the bearded man. 'I be Capt'n Bird's Eye, and we are to 'ave a huge feast of fish fingers. Ooh arr, etc.'

Half a dozen children carried a massive plate stacked high with breadcrumb coated fish fingers. They put it down and everyone tucked in, then the advert ended. Bob was aghast.

'That's why I can't open this can!' he cried. 'I don't have any fingers! Captain Bird's Eye took them! I knew I had something missing!'

Colin frowned. 'You mean, Captain Bird's Eye catches fish, removes their fingers, cooks them in breadcrumbs, freezes them and sells them. And that's why fish don't have fingers?'

'Er, yes. Probably,' Bob replied.

Just then a brown lump floated past the TV screen. Colin held his nose with one of his pincers.

'You forgot to the pull the chain again! And haven't I told you to close the lid after you've used the toilet?' he said angrily.

'You mean your Baxter's Patented Portable Toilet^TM?' Bob replied.

'Yes. My superb value extra capacity Bumper Dumper^TM.'

'Never mind that, Colin. We're going to get my fingers back! Now!'

Meanwhile, Captain Bird's Eye sat on his desert island, munching away at another freshly cooked batch of fish fingers. All around him children munched away too, except for one. He didn't look happy.

'What's up with you then, Jim lad?' said Captain Bird's Eye. 'You be eatin' too many o' them fingers, lad?'

'No, Captain,' said the boy. 'It's just that, well - '

'Come on Jim lad, ooh arr, out with it boy!'

'I'm bored with fish fingers.'

'What!' the Captain yelled. He jumped up, knocking over the huge plate in the process and spilling all the fish fingers onto the golden sand. All the other children stopped eating and looked at the Captain in fear. 'Look what you've made me do, lad. What is the meaning of this? You not be wantin' any o' the Captain's fish fingers?'

'Don't you have any hamburgers?' the boy replied. 'Or at least some ketchup?'

The Captain could hardly speak as his face went from crimson red to deep purple. 'We do not taint our fish fingers with the Devil's sauce, boy!' Then some of the colour returned to his rosy cheeks and he smiled a knowing smile. 'The plank!' he cried. 'The plank!'

All the other children joined in his chant as they lifted the boy up and took him to the Captain's ship, anchored just off shore. On board, the boy's hands were tied and he was made to walk the plank.

'How am I going to swim with my hands tied?' he pleaded, as the Captain nudged him to the edge of the plank with a big stick.

'You aren't,' said the Captain with a hefty laugh before giving a final push. The boy fell off the end and splashed into the water.

'Celebration time! Fish fingers all round!' shouted the Captain. 'Or should I say ... all long and thin! Ho ho ho.'

The boys laughed at the Captains quip, possibly out of a sense of fear or obligation, and they all returned to shore to continue scoffing fish fingers.

Underwater, the boy lashed about in a vain attempt to loosen the rope around his wrists. Then, a crab appeared from nowhere and cut them with his pincers. Then, a fish took the end of the cut rope and quickly towed the boy to the safety of a small cove, hidden away from the Captain and the other boys.

'Thank you!' said the boy, panting heavily.

'That's okay,' said Bob the fish in his best heroic voice. 'I am Bob the fish and this is my assistant, Colin the crab. We saw what happened. What's going on here?'

The boy explained the situation. 'Everything was fine at first,' he started. 'Golden sand, crystal clear water and all the fish fingers we could eat. But no-one realised that was all we would be eating. Three times a day, the Captain organises a "surprise" feast of fish fingers. No chips, no sauce, no bread and butter, nothing except for fish fingers! The Captain's fine when we're all stuffing our faces with fish fingers, but as soon as someone complains, they're done for.'

'Well, that's all about to change,' said Bob determinedly. 'I want my fingers back!'

With Colin's help, Bob devised a brilliant plan to overpower the Captain. While everyone was taking a mid-afternoon nap, Bob sneaked onto the beach and climbed inside the Captain's huge chest freezer, where the fish fingers were stored. Colin hid nearby and waited. After some time, the Captain woke up and started to prepare the boys' surprise fish finger dinner party. He opened up the freezer.

At this point, Colin was expecting Bob to fly out and give the Captain a good fish-slapping, but nothing happened. The Captain merely registered a look of mild surprise and reached into the freezer, pulling out a deep frozen Bob.

'Aaar, Jim Lad, etc. What be goin' on 'ere then?'

Colin wasn't sure what to do, so he went ahead with his part of the plan anyway. He scurried across to the Captain and started snapping at his feet and ankles.

'Aaargh! It be a mutiny!' cried the Captain, dropping Bob onto the sand.

Then Colin had an inspirational idea. He picked up Bob the frozen fish and jumped up onto the Captain's shoulder. He swung Bob around has hard as he could, and whacked the Captain around the head. The Captain was killed instantly and the boys, who had by now all woken up, carried Colin around on the beach, laughing and cheering. Colin was a hero.

Bob soon defrosted in the sunshine, without any idea of what had happened. He saw the Captain on the ground, quite dead, and the boys dancing around a huge boiling pot of water, singing a new, improvised shanty. Bob thought the words were rubbish, and it didn't scan particularly well either. Nevertheless, he was pleased to see that the boys were genuinely happy at last.

To Bob's horror, one of the boys pulled Colin from the pot of water. He'd turned a bright shade of red and there was a lot of steam coming from him. Then the boys appeared to play tug of war with him, pulling off his claws and picking out the fresh white meat.

In a series of deft movements, much too complicated to describe properly, Bob flew up and fish-slapped everyone into unconsciousness. He gathered up all the gnawed pieces he could find and returned them to Colin's body.

'Bob,' said Colin, apparently in some discomfort, 'I'm done for.'

'Don't be silly Colin. Hang in there, we'll have you patched up in no time.'

Once Colin had been fixed with a liberal plastering of Shellotape, Bob set about attaching some fish fingers to himself. He taped five to each side of his body. Colin wasn't impressed.

'What's wrong with them?' said Bob, swimming about in the shallow water and waving his new fingers back and forth.

'They look silly, that's all. And they're getting soggy in the water and disintegrating.'

'That's okay,' said Bob, nodding towards the huge freezer on the beach. 'I've got a few thousand spares!'